Even though Kate’s a year older than me, her arms don’t resemble scone mix like mine — they’re lean and sleek, and I’m incredibly jealous.
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I’m to do these for 20 minutes every other day, as well as going to see him once a week. When I try to lift the kettlebell I almost topple into a rose bush. But the good news is that I haven’t eaten even a square of chocolate. Reaching to get a pan out of the top cupboard, I feel a searing pain in my shoulder. ‘I think I’ve pulled a muscle,’ I say through gritted teeth.
‘But I only want to get rid of my bingo wings,’ I cry. However, he gives me a look that tells me it’s all or nothing — and I tell him I’m in. Later, I manage to do 20 bicep curls (holding the weights with your arms straight down, then lifting them up, bending at the elbow, so that they touch your shoulders) while waiting to be put through to someone who can sort out my council-tax bill. I stagger home, barely able to cross the road on my quaking legs, but the next day I get a perverse pleasure from the pain. Every second day is a ‘bingo- busting’ day — and I take every opportunity to do a few minutes of exercises. While my computer boots up, I do a few bicep curls.
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My first job is to clear my kitchen cupboards of my beloved Crunchie bars and stock up on healthy meats and pulses. Instead of my usual breakfast of coffee (white, plenty of sugar) and a banana, I have herbal tea and a poached egg on toast. Day two and a delivery driver dumps my weights on my porch. Waiting for my lunchtime omelette to cook, I do the plank — a hideous stretch that involves balancing my body on just my elbows and toes, back parallel to the floor. I stick to eggs or toast for breakfast, an omelette for lunch and brown rice with salmon and spinach or grilled chicken and broccoli for dinner — which isn’t as boring as it sounds, as I add Chinese five-spice and soy sauce for flavour.